so it's christmas eve && you'd think that i'd be pretty much the happiest person alive. i mean my life is pretty amazing right now and there's pretty much no doubt about it, but for some reason i feel like it's all a lie. i don't get it. my uncles from chicago [except one] are ALL down here && one's even staying at my house until he heads back home. the only thing that i wish i had that's missing is for ALL my chicago family to be here. that would make this christmas and new years more perfect than i could ever imagine. don't get me wrong, though. i mean i love a couple of them came down but the plan was for pretty much EVERYONE to come down. because most of them didn't, though, my chwin left me here in florida. of course, i was the one that told her to go and i still stand by what i said. christmas in chicago sounds a thousand times better than christmas in florida, but i miss her. it's going to be kind of weird, her not being here for christmas and all, but i know she's having an amazing time in chicago, so i'm happy for her. there's even progress on the house--the grass where the cement is going to go is all out and our back patio/porch thing is gone. i'm def excited for that but at the same time i'm still like lejnf;oieaFoi. so i guess the real thing that's bothering me has to do with things at school, i suppose. now i'm usually not one to give two shits about what other people think of me most of the time but idk. these days i've been feeling like more and more people have been saying stuff about me, more bad than good. and of course, i don't know if people really are, it just might be me being paranoid about everything, but still. i feel like i'm losing friends because of whatevr && i feel like a lots changed since certain things happened. granted, i knew things were going to change when i found out her real thoughts/feelings/whatevr and i knew that things between us would never be the same but i feel like after that, things have also changed between me and my other friends--not really the ones i'm real close to but still. =/...idk anymore. i feel like everyone other than my close friends are starting to see me as a whore/slut and are getting mad at me because of that. like, i think they think i'm changing from the shannon they met to this slutty/whore-ish shannon. && because of that, they don't want to talk to me and seem to even be avoiding me. i can't say that i'm not changing because i am && i admit to it but i don't think i'm changing into something that the friends i've made will look at me and be like "what happened to her". i'm still shannon, always will be, just different in some ways. ...maybe i'm upset because a certain particular few havn't talked to me in a while, so maybe that's why i feel like people are starting to see me in a more negative light.

*sighs* gah! i'm done thinking about this...for now at least.

♥ Shay

so i don`t know. these days i`ve so up and down and all around it`s not even funny. this past weekend was the best weekend i ever had and i know i should be sooo happy for it. but once everything was all done i just felt so empty again. & i definitely don`t know how to explain it. it started off pretty amazing, i mean saturday i saw my bowling alley for the first time in i don`t even know how long and it just felt so amazing. it was as if they had never left and i`ve been waiting for that genuine happiness for a while now. i don`t know it`s just that everytime i`m with anyone who`s part of my bowling family everything that`s not going good for me or basically anything bad seems to completely wash away and everything is perfect. just perfect and nothing could ruin how perfect everything seems, or rather is to me. i love them like whoa! and i definitely don`t know what i`d do without them. i just feel like when i`m with them i don`t have to hold back any part of me, i can just be the complete and total me without being ashamed of anything about me when i`m with them. it feels so great to feel that way. and sure, i was completely beat after staying up the whole night with my chwin because she decided to pull an all-nighter to make sure that she`s awake by the time her daddi said to be awake but once everyone was there it`s like my energy level and awakeness went from almost non-existent to through the roof, all in a matter of a few seconds. then after the bowling was done i was completely tired again so i just fell asleep on the hour and a half drive back to orlando, and my home. by the time i got back home though i still wanted to go to sleep because at that point i was still living off of two and a half hours of sleep. but i, well my mother and i, were about to head to my cousin lauren`s house for her 21st birthday party. at first i wasn`t going to go since i was so tired but i figured what the hell i can make it a few more hours. so i went. i love being with my family. they are just soooo fun to be with and sooo obnoxiously loud, all the time, but i love it. then on the way home i talked to my best friend from jersey. it was nice. i miss talking to her and everything when she used to live in florida. but then she moved up north and i was totally bummed but we still kept in touch. however as the time went on we kept in touch less and less often, which kind of sucks but i never expected us to keep in touch forever. i think that`s a little crazy to believe in. but recently she got a cell phone again and she has the same provider as i do which means that we can talk as much as we want to to each other and it won`t really matter. i was soooo happy when i found this out. so when i got home we said gbye and i don`t exactly remember what i did. i know i went online and talked to a few people and i know i watched tv for a little bit but other than that i don`t know much. i have absolutely not idea when i went to sleep either. so the next day i woke up and i was totally excited for the day because my rents were letting me go out with two of my friends. lately my rents have been like no, you can`t because you go out too much, but i havent been going out with anyone for weeks and if i ever did go out it was always with family--my brothers, my chwin, my rents, etc. i was growing so impatient waiting though so i called on of them up to find out what time she was coming. she didn`t know but we talked on the phone for a bit. then we hung up and i headed to the living room to watch some tv, mostly try and find a movie to watch. by the time i had settled on one thing and looking for something else to watch that might be better than what i was already watching, she came. we hung out in my room watching tv and such. then we both go really impatient so we facebooked, and called him to find out when he was coming. he was just leaving church and we were like ALRIIIIIGHT. because that means we were going to hang out soon. lol. and omg sometimes i can`t believe my mother but it was all too funny so i was just like whatever. then we headed off. we went to richards house and hung out there for a while--even had some delicious food. lol. then we headed to the mall. me and jesska bought our frienship things finally. and then we just walked around to a gazillion and one places. i eventually got a starbucks, yay--but only a grande. they only charged me for a tall though which was weird but i didn`t say anything. lol. when the mall was close to closing we left and headed to planet smoothie. we hung out there for a while just drinking our smoothies and talking and then i had to go home because it was almost seven (my dad wanted me home by 6 but my mom said between 6 and 7 to antonio). lol. so i got home and i was very happy with how that day went. it was fun =). but i don`t know, after a while of being home my happiness started fading away. i don`t know why but it just did and it didn`t help that my dad came into my room later and was like where did you guys go in that you shouldn`t of gone out, i`m annoyed that you came home an hour after i said you should be home. so i just told him we went to the mall and planet smoothie. and he just shook his head in that what a waste of a day way. then my mom and brian came home and they were like so how was your day in that i hope you had fun sort of way. and i was like it was good, i had fun.. so then my mom and i started talking about what we all did and then about random stuff. i was happy again but once we stopped talking the happiness left again. i don`t know what the hell is wrong with me but it`s starting to drive me crazy because everything just sucks when i`m in this state. so i headed to bed a bit early only to lay in my bed for almost an hour tossing and turning and just thinking. i knew it was going to bring me down smore which ultimately sucked more. then, by the time i woke up to get ready for summer school, i completely felt sick. like i felt like i was going to puke, my stomach was hurting, and i had the craziest headache. when i got off my bed to try and get ready i almost collapsed because the room was spinning. so i just told my mom that i wasn`t going to go because i didn`t feel good and she was like well if you don`t feel good then don`t go. so i txted kristen to tell her and then i went back to sleep hoping that i would feel much better by the time i woke up again. nope, it was 930 or so and i felt worse. so i just went to bed again. by noon i had woken up again and i felt much better. and then after laying in my bed a while cary called asking me why i wasn`t at class today so i told her. and as for right now i still feel well, empty. maybe i just need to get out of florida for a few i wish these next 14 days would go by so much faster so i can get out of here. it`s either that or i just get out of orlando and head to apopka for a getaway with my chwin and brother. going on a getaway before we leave for reno would just put my head in the right place again for reno. plus i`d be able to just hang out with the people that mean so much to me and make everything seem so perfect. gosh. i don`t know what to do with myself anymore. i`m starting to think that my unhappiness is due to some other specific reason but i don`t know. i guess i`ll just end it right here.

♥ Shay Shay

hey.

*sighs*

i miss radar

=(

*cries*